I used to do this thing in my relationships; just thinking about it makes me cringe. As a dating and relationship writer, it’s amongst the top of my list of unhealthy relationship habits. And, to be frank, it wasn’t cute at all.

I used to cry to manipulate my boyfriends.

There, I said it.

Dig a little deeper, and just about anyone would realize I picked up that habit as a child. There was probably a time when I cried because I didn’t get what I wanted and, somewhere along the way, someone gave into my tears so I’d shut up.

But even though there’s a valid reason for why I picked up the crying to get my way habit, that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for my relationships. In fact, it’s far from.

Many people pick up similar habits because of their experiences or what they see in the media. We’re never taught how to be in healthy relationships. But turn on your TV, and you’d almost instantly see how to be in an unhealthy one.

Just because you’ve seen many people do something doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for everyone. And if a healthy relationship with someone you love is ultimately what you want, then you need to question what you think is “normal.”

Below are seven common habits that people have gotten used to thinking are normal behaviours, but could be detrimental to your relationship:

• Being controlling/possessive/jealous

My not-so-cute habit of crying to manipulate my partners is just one example of trying to control situations. Telling your partner what to wear, who to hang out with, who they can’t see, and when they have to spend time without you are all controlling behaviours, too.

Being jealous and controlling your partner isn’t proof of your love for them. If you love them, you’ll respect their autonomy. And if you trust them, you wouldn’t try to control them.

That includes not doing behaviours like checking their phone, getting upset about their friendships, asking them to behave or dress differently, and, of course, crying to get them to feel bad for you.

It’s OK to create boundaries and let your partner know when you’re uncomfortable. If they respect and love you (given your requests are reasonable), you’ll come to a compromise.

• Thinking your partner “completes” you

When you believe that your partner completes you, you admit that you’re not whole on your own. That fact alone should be concerning enough to get you to make some changes.

A relationship won’t suddenly give you everything in life you’ve been missing. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. I’ve watched this cycle play out more than once in my own relationships, which never ended well.

Instead of feeling like you’re complete, you’ll feel even more insecure and anxious in a relationship. All the parts of your life you don’t like will be magnified when you bring another person into the equation.

A partner is someone to share your already whole life with. A relationship is two complete individuals choosing to navigate life together. If you don’t feel happy with who you are, then it’s time to make changes in your life that aren’t related to romance.

• Having your partner be your everything

I dated and lived with a guy in college who I thought was my soulmate. I’d never been as in love as I was with him, so when he started to convince me my friends were toxic and that I needed to do everything he did, I didn’t think anything of it.

I spent all my free time with him. We cooked, travelled, worked out, slept, and hung out together. And the whole time, I thought that was love, even though I was far from happy.

When we eventually broke up, and I had no idea who I was anymore, I felt lost. I’d let the relationship become my everything, and it ended up backfiring.

That’s because love shouldn’t be anyone’s everything. A relationship is great, and all, but so are your hobbies, friends, passions, and time spent alone. The only way you’ll build a beautiful life with someone is by making sure you have one outside of them.

• Expecting them to know what you need

Instead of stating what you need, you try to drop subtle hints to your partner. You act tired or upset and wait for them to ask you what’s wrong. Or you get mad when they don’t anticipate that something upset you.

Basically, you expect your partner to be a mind-reader. But the fact is, unless your partner’s name is Charles Xavier, they can’t.

By expecting your partner to know your needs, you’re creating resentment for yourself to feel. Your expectations are literally unobtainable, so you’re setting yourself up to feel disappointed.

Instead of hinting to your partner what you need or expecting them to know, speak up. It’s your responsibility to make sure your needs are met. The only way to do that is to be straight-forward about them.

Playing the game of making your partner guess what you’re thinking will only hurt you in the long-run.

• Thinking sex fixes your problems

The same goes for gifts or fancy dates. If you think that you can solve a big argument by getting into bed or swiping your credit card, you’re sorely mistaken.

When you have a conflict in the relationship, it’s like an open wound. You might think you’ve made up by having sex or accepting a pair of gold earrings, but what you’re doing is putting a bandaid over the wound.

With time, the wound will start to get infected and grow. Eventually, the problem will explode in your faces (kinda gross after I used the wound analogy), and you’ll be left with an even bigger problem that’s harder to solve.

In a relationship, you have to deal with issues head-on. If you disrespect your partner, talk about it, and decide how to make things better. If you feel like your needs aren’t being met, sit down, and talk things out.

Communicate with one another even when it feels hard because, down the road, you’ll be better off than if you don’t.

• Making your partner your emotional punching bag

I have a friend, Joe, who dated a woman I became friends with at the time. She and I would grab lunch, and she described the relationship in such beautiful ways, I thought they were destined to be together.

But then they broke up.

I was shocked and, like any curious friend, I DM’ed Joe to ask him what happened. He told me about how his ex would repeatedly take out all her problems on him and made it impossible to have a loving relationship.

Joe tried to support her, but she would attack him and then refuse to take responsibility for what she said. Obviously, a much different picture than what she painted for me.

Open communication and emotional vulnerability are great to have in a relationship, but they have to be done with respect and intention. While you wouldn’t expect a dog you hit every time they come around you to love you, the same goes for your partner.

• Having an individualistic mindset

Do you think of your relationship as being on a team? Or do you feel like it’s you against your partner?

Something I loved from the get-go about my current boyfriend is how he uses “we” when he talks. I’d express my worry to him about the future of my writing career, and he’d reply, saying, “we will figure it out.” Whenever we start to be mean to each other, he reminds us both were on the same team.

When you argue with your own needs in mind, you’re not being fair to your partner. You’ll start slipping into murky territory like keeping score and trudging up old problems.

And even if you do win, you’ll lose. Because hurting your partner so that you can be right or have your needs met means, you hurt yourself in the long run.

Source: Kirstie Taylor